FORGIVENESS RELEASES US FROM ANY RESENTMENT WE MAY STILL HOLD; BUT WHAT ARE THE COSTS AND GAINS OF FORGIVING ANOTHER?

“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future” Paul Boese

Forgiveness means letting go of resentment and retaliation by recognizing that perpetuating the conflict only hurts us more. While an authentic apology can be effective in restoring interpersonal relations, forgiveness goes one step further; it enables healing and allows each person to move forward in their lives without guilt, bitterness or power games that can reignite the conflict.

Forgiveness does not mean that we condone another’s action, but that we choose a different response and regard the situation as an opportunity for growth. But how easy is it to forgive?

Our willingness to forgive depends on how one relates to the factors in play when considering it:

• Empathy for self and other
• One’s worldview/assumptions: how we see ourselves, others and life
• One’s sense of identity and self-esteem
• One’s vulnerability, truth and congruence

Empathy:

How we treat ourselves when we make a mistake can reflect on how forgiving we are of others. Do we tell ourselves that we are ‘a bad person’, or that we made an error of judgement? Are we more lenient on ourselves than we are on others, or vice versa? Or are we equally kind to both?

If we are hard on ourselves, we may lack empathy and understanding for the part of us who was in pain when it acted out. We may then wish to ‘punish’ another rather than explore the reasons behind their action, their situation and worldview, how they perceive us and our behaviour.

While empathy is inclusive, blame is exclusive. Empathy enables compassion for each other’s humanness and facilitates personal insight. It helps us move away from blame and opens reflection from the ‘And-principle’.  For example: “This happened and it hurt me and they saw things from their perspective and I may have contributed and they were also in pain and we may both be hurting.” In other words we see the human in them and in ourselves.  Empathy does not minimize the act; it simply helps us detach from it.

Our Worldview and Assumptions

While we may justly feel hurt by another’s action, holding on to hurt and anger harms us more. Simply put, we remain frozen in the past; we twist the knife into an unhealed wound and this calcifies our assumptions.

We may consequently convince ourselves that it is true that:

• Others cannot be trusted and that not forgiving helps us remain vigilant to it reoccurring
• It’s not ok to make mistakes and that these require punishment and repentance
• Life is a struggle for power, which we must win in order to survive
• To forgive is a sign of weakness

Not forgiving keeps us stuck in blame and power-games, which, however unconsciously, perpetuate the conflict in order to validate our hurt position and justify our actions. As a result, we can become so used to living with the ‘story’ that we don’t remember who we are without it.

Our sense of identity and self-esteem

By considering forgiveness however, we embark on an inner journey of healing and learning that exposes our vulnerability. Through it, we explore how we regard ourselves in relation to others and the extent to which this is driving our attachment to the event.

• Do we regard our self-esteem as equal, or unequal to others?
• Do we err towards grandiosity or inferiority, or regard ourselves as ‘ok’ despite our creases?
• Who, what and how would we be without the story?

If we regard our identity from an ‘all-or-nothing’ perspective and a sense of competition, then forgiveness feels like a sign of weakness and a loss of validity. “If I forgive, it means that it’s ok for them to walk all over me.” One consequently hangs onto the story to make a point and enforce one’s self-esteem.

Conversely, if we regard ourselves as equal to others, we are able to forgive without our identity being affected. From this place, our response may be: “This hurt me and I can forgive, knowing that it doesn’t mean that I’m above or below them.”

Our self-esteem also drives our ability to forgive ourselves; can we be empathic with ourselves, or do we seek external absolution and approval?

Vulnerability, Truth and Congruence

By allowing our vulnerability, we reconnect to our true selves and not the wounded ego running the show through the defensive ‘acts’ of tough guy, victim, drama queen, superiority and so on.

From this authentic place we can consider:

• The impact of our actions on another and on ourselves
• The congruence of our behaviour with who we truly are

In so doing, our true feelings emerge beyond the ‘acts’ and we can hear our own “And and And”. We gain insight into the wounds that inform our actions and can heal and release ourselves from these.

This does not mean that we blame ourselves for the situation, but that we unhook ourselves from the story. Ultimately, we cannot change another or the past, but we can change our response to them and the situation.

Conclusion:

Forgiveness is a choice between conflict and pain, or calm and moving forward. Choosing to forgive takes greater courage and strength than perpetuating the story, because we are embracing our vulnerability and valuing ourselves and our well-being  Through it we are releasing ourselves from the toxicity that continued conflict brings: resentment, stress, ill-health . . . We free our mind to think about other things; to reconnect to ourselves, to our loved ones and our lives.

It is important that when we forgive we do not regard ourselves as superior, for this is not real forgiveness but a power game. Perhaps we may also need to forgive ourselves for choosing to forgive and reason with the part that sees it as a sign of weakness.

Forgiveness is possible whatever the crime. The Forgiveness Project narrates the journeys into forgiveness by victims of the most heinous crimes. The crime does not change, but one’s response to it can.

HOW DO PERCEPTIONS AND PERSPECTIVES ESCALATE CONFLICT?

“I do not see life as it is, I see life as I am” Byron Katie

When our wounds and fears determine our perspectives, and our perceptions perpetuate our wounds, we are caught in a vicious cycle. This cycle escalates conflict, both within us and with others.

One’s thinking and feeling-filters determine how we perceive situations, ourselves and those around us; they inform our judgements and response.  When one’s filters are clogged with old assumptions and wounds, past beliefs are projected on present situations; communication becomes unclear, dynamics are created and patterns are perpetuated.

In other words, our thoughts create our reality; they become self-fulfilling prophecies.

The Backpack:

A friend of mine once said that whenever a new relationship was in its budding stages, he would symbolically and automatically pick up the emotional backpack he had previously stored in the cupboard and put it on, ready for the dance to begin. It sounded somewhat familiar …!

There are some backpacks however, that we are unaware of carrying; we may even be so used to them that we don’t take them off at all and they become a part of us. Carrying this weight alters our posture; it becomes our walk and stance in life, our experience and our perspective.

However, awareness is the first step towards change. Becoming aware means asking oneself clarifying questions, for example:

• What am I carrying in relation to my family, partner, colleagues and life as whole?
• What is in my backpack – what memories and interpretations are inside?
• Where and when did I add them; how do they serve me now?
• Why am I hanging on to them; are there things I can let go of and forgive myself and others for?

Judgements and labels: the lenses that inform our behaviour

Also in our backpack are the judgements we make about those around us based on first impressions, or on how we feel in ourselves when around them. These judgements are labels – “Jim is a bully”, “Lucy is two-faced” and so on.

Understanding the nature of labels can help us change our approach. Labels are based on:

• Our assumptions, fears and insecurities
• Generalizations
• Challenging the person and not the behaviour

Labels become the lenses, hearing aids and nerve endings through which we perceive that person. A word, a look, or action becomes proof of our assumption about them.  Our behaviour will consequently mirror our perception. “John is a bully; he always belittles people. I need to show him that I can stand up to him as someone who is equal if not better than him.”

Judgements hook us into a dynamic of rigidity and blame with that person and we may find ourselves behaving differently with them. “I’m only like this with you/him/her …”

Blame, however, detracts us from exploring the wounds that person triggers in us and seeking to heal our old patterns.

Awareness of labels and judgements therefore opens our choice of response and changes dynamics.

Generalizations

Generalizations lead to exaggerations: “You always”, “You never”. These cause us to be blinkered to the bigger picture and carry the dynamic into the future.

One tends to generalise when they feel the need to defend and validate one’s position, but in so doing perspectives become tilted and fixed. Exploring generalisations can help break down assumptions and review our own perceptions and behaviour as well as those of another.

Doing so therefore helps us re-frame the situation from an Adult perspective; it moves us away from rigidity and blame, towards seeing the whole picture from the viewpoint of the present.

From where I’m standing:

A changed perspective can drastically alter our interpretation and experience of an image.

The Elephant: A group of blindfolded people describe an elephant through touch, without knowing what it is they are describing. Each one describes what they think they are touching, but what each describes is a perception based on their perspective. These people can then either cooperate to piece the puzzle together, or argue over the exclusivity of their personal truth. . .

Fixed perspectives and worldviews put our senses on alert; we convince ourselves that we are in danger of being hurt (again) which in turn leads us to adhere to our viewpoint even more. This keeps us stuck in a pattern of fear and reaction.

Wanting to be ‘right’, does not only relate to one’s perspective and the need for it to be heard, but also to one’s validity as a person.

The role of identity

If we over-identify with our beliefs and consider them to represent who we really are, then any attack on our worldview will feel like an attack on us as a person. This attitude can easily escalate a discussion into an argument as we seek to defend ourselves and protect our vulnerability. Blame can rapidly infiltrate the dynamic and result in fixed positions.

While it is true that personal values define us, we are not our beliefs; particularly those adopted in childhood from our environment and our own assumptions. Like the backpack, our beliefs benefit from being re-evaluated and for us to consider if what we are carrying still serves us.

Putting it bluntly, we need to sift the shit from the sugar from time to time!

Fact, interpretation, impact and intention

Sometimes facts are spiced with one’s interpretation of an event from the perspective of how it has impacted. Such cases can lead one to believe that the impact was intended.

However, this line of thinking has a four-fold effect, it:

• Escalates arguments
• Confuses the issues
• Attracts labels and generalizations
• Denies true feelings

For instance: John and I have a meeting scheduled at 1pm. That is the fact. When he doesn’t show up, I conclude that it’s because he is an arrogant bully who wants to ‘make me’ feel small, hurt and angry. I conclude that John never turns up to appointments because he is arrogant, and a bully who enjoys hurting others. I may or may not tell him how I feel so as not to show my vulnerability and may decide to have it out with him, avoid him or say nothing.

We cannot know what another intended without checking out the facts and exploring our own interpretation.

Asking questions

As an acronym the word ‘fear’ stands for: False Evidence Appearing Real. I love that!

It is therefore important to explore the evidence and why it appears as such to us. A reality-check of questions enables us to unpack our fears into bite-size chunks, through which we explore our perceptions, misperceptions and assumptions more easily.

Doing so can increase understanding and allows us to approach the situation from a different perspective.

Conclusion

In order to break patterns of behaviour we need to explore our perspective and the reasons behind it, including its relationship to our sense of self.

Truth may not change, but our perception of it can. Putting ourselves in another’s position can give us many insights and may alter our interpretation, decision, behaviour and ultimately outcome.

Exploring an alternative worldview requires us to shake up our own familiar ground. While fears may arise and leave us feeling vulnerable, it is exactly this sense of vulnerability that fosters true dialogue and understanding.

I recently came upon this quote from Lao Tzu that says:

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become your character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

We have a choice about whether or not we carry our backpack. The question is, how would we feel if we took it off forever?

HOW IS SILENCE USED IN CONFLICT: AS TIME-OUT OR AS A POSITION? WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE TWO AND THEIR EFFECTS ON ITS RESOLUTION?

One’s relationship to silence is very personal. One may feel comfortable or uncomfortable with it. There are those who feel the need to fill the empty spaces with words and those who are happy for silence to fall naturally. Silence can bond or divide. It can be a pause, a breath one takes in a conversation or discussion, or an iron curtain drawn between people, groups and countries.

SO WHAT IS SILENCE?

Like conflict, silence is energy; it is neither good nor bad, it just is. It is both constructive and destructive. Its effect is determined by how it is used and how one relates to it.

Silence is a resource, a tool and a weapon. It may be used to keep secrets; for the good of all, or out of fear or to control.

For example, silence can be:

• Used to retain a new project or information under wraps (e.g. something awaiting a patent)
• A spiritual practice; used in magical traditions to retain the purity of teachings and strengthen the work undertaken
• Imposed upon, or adopted by, victims of any abuse and accompanies shame and fear
• A form of bullying and punishment

SILENCE AS A STAND IN CONFLICT

Everyone has the right to say ‘no’ to anything, including to talking, but how one relays that choice and uses the space needed, can affect interpersonal dynamics.

Depending on this, silence can:

• Prolong the situation without closure and understanding
• Increase resentment and power games
• Help de-escalate a situation and bring about resolution
• Foster learning and insight from a place of calm and grace

Silence can be used passively or passive-aggressively as a form of avoidance and control, or assertively to call time-out.

A passive stance may be:

• A sudden break in communication and rejection of requests to clarify the situation, or simply a denial of the existence of the problem
• Sulking and/or avoiding the person (even if it means foregoing an employment opportunity, social outing, or connection with a parent)
• Complaining to others, but denying that there is a problem when approached

Used in this way, silence is a punishment and contributes to a conflict’s escalation or perpetuation.  Indeed, this is what Arnold Mindell calls “the victim as terrorist” – holding people to ransom with their stance.

Conversely, the passive-aggressive attitude is more engaged. It uses silence more ambivalently in what could be termed a ‘yes-no-maybe’ communication style.  This manifests as the use of sarcasm to communicate resentment, without necessarily wanting to address the issue directly.

A passive-aggressive position may include:

• Using silence to intentionally ignore or exclude someone at work or socially
• Talking disparagingly about the person behind their back and/or spreading untruths while refusing to speak to them
• Shooting Arrows: making ambiguous  yet cutting remarks to hurt the other while refusing to communicate directly – this can be orally or via social media
• Blaming and taking no responsibility for equal contribution

In both these cases, when silence is used as a position in conflict, it creates a power game; it’s potentially bullying and can escalate the situation further or end it in resentment.

SILENCE AS TIME-OUT: THE ASSERTIVE APPROACH:

Children will often keep fighting until there is a clear winner or until an adult steps in to stop it. When grown-ups argue and old wounds are reignited, there are often little children at play who need an adult to intervene.

Applying the Parent-Adult- Child Model of Transactional Analysis to the use of silence helps to see it from a different perspective.

The Child will sulk and/or hit out; the Parent will punish and refuse to speak, while the Adult calls time-out in a respectful way.

Calling time-out as an Adult means:

• Challenging the behaviour or dynamic and not attacking the person. “This discussion is getting out hand”, not: “You are out of hand”
• Speaking from the “I”: “I need time-out/space right now”
• The assertive adult does not belittle, but relays their own need in a respectful manner and may also give an indication of the time frame needed

Asking for time-out in this way can create a constructive space for de-escalation, although what one does with that time will also determine the course the situation will take.

ESCALATING OR DE-ESCALATING THOUGHTS?

Imagine a boxing ring when the bell rings announcing the end of the round.  The coach jumps in and pep talks the boxer, getting them fired up to get back in and knock out the opponent.

When silence falls on an argument or a conflict, we are in that space between ‘rounds’.  The question is, what are our thoughts (and friends) coaching us to do – are they firing us up or calming us down? Are we using the space to gather ammunition that will discredit our opponent and knock them out cold?

Indeed,

• Are we in Parent, Adult or Child mode?
• Are we considering all viewpoints and alternatives or just our wounded perspective?

APPROACHING SILENCE FROM THE AND-PRINCIPLE:

One way to stop the cycle and de-escalate the situation is to look for the teaching that this interaction brings and consider alternative thinking, including our contribution.

Using the And-principle means disengaging from either-or thinking that validates our ‘rightness’ and assumptions, and instead consider the silence from a different standpoint.

For instance seeing it:

• As a rejection of the dynamic rather than of us as a person
• As a possibility that they are also hurting
• That they may be withdrawing to avoid saying or causing further hurt
• That they may need time-out to reflect

In so doing, we approach it as a space for reflection and healing; as a potential bereavement of a dynamic or relationship and/or as an examination of our attitudes and behaviour.

USING SILENCE CONSTRUCTIVELY

The majority of interpersonal conflicts have two sides and carry equal contribution.

Remembering this can help us consider:

• Our actions from their perspective
• Our needs and theirs – are there similarities?
• Can we relate to their needs, even if we don’t share them?

When the fiery energy of anger-driven hurts has expended itself, we can then consider the sadness and the fears. Silence can help us arrive at a place of grace and calm. What can we let go of? Can we forgive ourselves and the other for what has happened?

From that silent place, we can hear the compassionate voice of our true self rather, than the boisterous ego competing for the Olympic power-games!

We can hear our wisdom, truth, clarity, humility and vulnerability.  If we are the ones who have asked for silence, we may suggest communication and if we are not, we respect their need for space. Either way we have used silence to arrive at a place of peace, understanding and forgiveness.

 

CONCLUSION

Calling for silence need not be destructive or a temporary ceasefire until the next round! Silence can also be used as a conflict management tool that can help us move out of the drama, to an authentic place in which our true feelings inform us of our fears, needs, contribution and choices.

Asking for time-out in a respectful manner paves the way towards resolution.

When someone is not speaking to us, silence may feel like a weapon and perhaps also bereavement; an emotional journey towards letting go, accepting and ultimately, transformation. While we cannot force another to speak, we can use their silence to learn.

Silence brings all our emotions and wisdom to the surface – do we dare to truly listen?